Tag Archives: Warhammer

Vanguard: Slaves to Darkness – Beginners 1,000 Point Army

Following on from Danny and Phil’s excellent chat about the new Slaves to Darkness Battletome, we thought it would be great to give you an option for a beginners army based on the new Vanguard: Slaves to Darkness.

Vanguard: Slaves to Darkness

This new boxed set priced at £85 through Games Workshop comes with 17 models in total to give you an (almost) complete beginners army. I say almost, the total points in this set amounts to 680 points.

Included in the box you have:

  • 1x Chaos Lord (115 points)
  • 10x Chaos Warriors (220 points)
  • 5x Chaos Knights (230 points)
  • 1x Gorebeast Chariot (115 points)

But we want a full 1,000 point army that we can start playing with, so to add to the above I’d possibly look at buying a Chaos Sorcerer Lord, a Darkoath Warqueen and a set of Darkoath Savagers.

What will it all cost?

  • Battletome: Slaves to Darkness £32.50
  • Vanguard: Slaves to Darkness £85
  • Darkoath Warqueen £21
  • Darkoath Savagers £35

That’s total of £173.50 at Games Workshop prices for everything you need to play at 1,000 points with Slaves to Darkness.

You can of course get these cheaper through your local retailers. Element Games in the UK offer between 15-25% off on these prices. Why not use our affiliate link below to start your army today?

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The List

Army Faction: Slaves to Darkness
Subfaction: Host of the Everchosen

LEADERS
Chaos Lord (115)
General
– Mark of Nurgle
– Reaperblade and Daemonbound Steel
– Command Trait: Death Dealer
– Artefact: Hellfire Sword (Reaperblade)
Chaos Sorcerer Lord (120)
– Mark of Nurgle
– Lore of the Damned: Daemonic Speed
Darkoath Warqueen (100)

BATTLELINE
10x Chaos Warriors (220)
– Mark of Nurgle
– Murderous Weapons
– Retinue
5x Chaos Knights (230)
– Mark of Nurgle
– Cursed Flail
– Ensorcelled Banner: The Eroding Icon
10x Darkoath Savagers (100)

OTHER
1x Gorebeast Chariot (115)
– Mark of Khorne
– Lashing Whip & Chaos War-Flail

TOTAL POINTS: 1000/1000

This army is tough! and it has fast elements which can also pin units in place while you bring your Chaos Warriors and Darkoath Savagers to bear. We’ve gone for Host of the Everchosen as our subfaction, this will allow us to bring back slain models on 5+ instead of 6+ with our rally ability. This only applies to the Chaos Warriors and Chaos Knights, but these two units with the Mark of Nurgle are already going to be blighters to shift anyway, this will just make it even harder for our oppposition!

How it could play

Chaos Lord

Our general for this particular list. He’s tough and hits like a hammer. Giving him the Mark of Nurgle means the enemy have to subtract 1 from their wound rolls that target him when using melee weapons. It also gives him the ability to use the Command Ability: Bestow Contagion. This will allow our other Nurgle Marked units (Chaos Warriors and Knights) a chance to cause D3 mortal wounds to enemy units within 3″ on a 3+.

We’ve got Death Dealer as our Command Trait, and this will allow our General to fight for a second time in the fight phase once per battle. Admittedly it’s with the Strike-last effect, but even so, well worth having.

With Chaos Lords you’re also allowed to choose a retinue which you can pass wounds off to on a 3+ (the reasons for this shown in the Chaos Warriors section), for this I’ve chosen the Chaos Warriors, as really he should be sticking to them like glue throughout the game. The other benefit from being retinue is they can fight immediately after our Chaos Lord if they haven’t fought yet. Essentially giving you two fight activations for the price of one!

As an artefact, I’ve gone for Hellfire Sword, which will allow our Reaperblade to cause two mortal wounds for each hit roll of 6.

Giving him the Reaperblade and Daemonbound Steel does mean that the damage output is slightly better than that of the Daemonbound Flail when you also take into account the mortal wounds caused by Hellfire Sword:

Weapon– Save6+ Save5+ Save4+ Save3+ Save2+ Save
Reaperblade222222
Daemonbound Steel111110
TOTAL333332
Daemonbound War-Flail222222
Average Damage after Saves
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Chaos Sorcerer Lord

This lovely fellow is a good buff to your forces. He’s a single cast and single unbind wizard which isn’t anything to write home about, but what he does provide is his spell Daemonic Power. With a casting value of 6 and a range of 18″ it should be fairly easy to cast each turn, and when you do you’ll be able to give ANY of your other units in this list +1 to hit and +1 to wound for their melee attacks. That’s nothing to be sniffed at!

As well as this he can give a 6+ ward to one of your other units in this list until the next hero phase. Hopefully you’re starting to see the tankiness of those Chaos Warriors now with their Mark of Nurgle (-1 to wound them) and a 5+ Ward Save against mortals and 6+ Ward against everything else.

Darkoath Warqueen

I absolutely love this model, which is mainly why I’ve chosen it (never discount rule of cool!). Like the Chaos Lord, this unit can allow the Darkoath Savagers to fight immediately after herself (as long as they haven’t already fought), another twofer!

She has an ability where if issuing the inspiring presence command while inside the enemy territory she can give it up to 2 Darkoath or Cultist units. We only have one for this list, but perhaps consider buying one of those awesome Warcry warbands when you look to expand to 2k?

Chaos Warriors

The first of our three battleline units. Keep these near your Chaos Lord so that they can benefit from the Retinue rule and fight immediately after the Chaos Lord in the fight phase.

With a 3+ save, a 5+ ward against mortals and a 6+ ward against everything else using the Chaos Sorcerer Lords Oracular Visions, AND the ability to have slain models return from the rally command on 5+, this unit is going to take A LOT of punishment before it goes away! In fact they would need an average of 72 damage from zero rend weapons to be allocated to them before saves, for the enemy to have a chance of destroying them.

By getting the Chaos Sorcerer Lord to cast Daemonic Power on them as well you’ll soon see their average damage output after saves is not to be ignored:

Weapon– Save6+ Save5+ Save4+ Save3+ Save2+ Save
Murderous Weapons1414121075
Murderous Weapons (Enemy Territory)*21211814117
*Chaos Warriors gain +1 attack while wholly within enemy territory
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Darkoath Savagers

Another unit I absolutely love. These guys have an added benefit of causing mortal wounds on hit rolls of 6 when in combat. This is the perfect unit to try and take objectives with, because if you manage to claim one previously held by the enemy then this unit will get a 5+ ward save until the end of the game. They won’t stand up to much punishment though, so if you’re going to commit them make sure you can win!

Weapon– Save6+ Save5+ Save4+ Save3+ Save2+ Save
Darkoath Weapons874411
Average Damage Output after Saves

Chaos Knights

Another tanky unit. They also benefit from the 5+ ward save against mortal wounds. We’re also giving them Mark of Nurgle (who is Mark anyway?) so the enemy is at -1 on their to wound rolls.

These guys are quick as well, we’ve given our Chaos Sorcerer Lord the spell Daemonic Speed. This will allow to roll 3D6 for their charge rolls when within 18″.

We’ve also chosen to give these chaps The Eroding Icon Ensorcelled Banner, this will worsen the rend of melee weapons used against them by 1, making them even harder to kill!

You’ll want these guys quickly claiming objectives and tying up units you want to hold in place ready for your Chaos Warriors to pummel.

Weapon– Save6+ Save5+ Save4+ Save3+ Save2+ Save
Cursed Land (Charging)888664
Cursed Lane*443321
Cursed Flail*322110
Trampling Hooves*322110
TOTAL*1087541
Average Damage Output
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Gorebeast Chariot

Another flanker unit for our army. We’ve given this the Mark of Khorne which allows us to add 1 to the attacks of its melee weapons when it charges.

Don’t forget that at the end of the combat phase it can make a normal move even if still within 3″ of the enemy. If it does so, it can cross across models with wound characteristics of 4 or less as though it can fly. If you do so, pick a unit that this model passed over and roll a dice, on 3+ that enemy suffers D6 mortal wounds! You’ll probably do an average of 3 or 4 mortal wounds… And it only costs 115 points! Bargain!

Weapon– Save6+ Save5+ Save4+ Save3+ Save2+ Save
Lashing Whip100000
Chaos War-Flail322110
Crushing Fists222200
TOTAL644310
Average Damage Output

Where to go next?

Everything in this book looks cool and you certainly couldn’t go wrong by possibly buying a second Vanguard box! If not, have a look at the Varanguard and Chosen, both heavy hitting units if that’s what you like. There’s also a certain bloke named Archaon…

Hobby Update – Dwarf Blood Bowl Team

11 Dwarf Blood Bowl Players

Day four of my Blood Bowl updates and the last one for a while. So I finished with a strong team – Dwarfs!

You can check out my Orcs, Skaven and Human teams from previous days if the tough little blighters are not your thing!

As with the other teams the Dwarfs were assembled and so just needed a spray undercoat and they were ready to go. I decided to go a little different for these guys and use a metallic base – Retributor armour. And, as everyone who follows cricket will know – green and gold go together; so the off-colour was chosen as well!

Blood Bowl Dwarf Team

The box set comes with 6 Dwarf Blocker Linemen, 2 Runners, 2 Blitzers and 2 Troll Slayers. Unfortunately the Troll Slayers have a single connection to the base, and one of mine broke. So in keeping with my intent to keep things quick I’ve put it to one side and will return to it later.

6 Dwarf Blocker Linemen
2 Blitzers
Troll Slayer and 2 Runners
The Full Team

As I mentioned above the base of the models is Chaos Black and then a very heavy drybrush of Retributor Armour for the bright gold look. I have then picked out a few of panels in Leadbelcher, to get a little contrast.

The hair is Wild Rider Red for the Troll Slayer (got to have bright orange hair for a Troll Slayer) and then grey, brown and black for the other models.

And the under armour/cloth is Warboss Green – a great colour with good coverage over black and the gold.

I really like how they’ve come together and the spotty green flock on the bases make them a little different from the other Blood Bowl teams I’ve already painted.

How do they play?

Dwarfs have Block – lots of it! So your guys are not falling over too often and ‘Both Down’ results don’t result in a turnover – great news. But there is a downside – Dwarfs are expensive with the Linesmen costing 70,000 each (compared with 50,000 for most non-Elf teams), and they are slow (movement 4 for the Linemen). You’ll need to defend in depth otherwise the quicker teams will have scored 3 times before you get enough space to make it through.

Whatever you do, when you get the ball, don’t give it up – you’ll need it and you need to keep your opponent away from it! This all makes Dwarfs a good team, but difficult for beginners so don’t worry if you lose a few games – they are a great team once the skills start rolling in.

Woe Points and Hobby Bingo

This also contributes to two of the methods I’m trying to use to reduce the pile of shame or potential! Woe Points is -11 for this group (so -23 so far in 2023) and another square of Hobby Bingo which I’ll ask Peter to update for me!

Buying a Box

You can pick up a box at Element Games (UK), or at Not Just Gamin’ (US) and support Woehammer(*); or pop into your FLGS.

— Declan and Eeyore

(*) affiliate link

Hobby Update – Human Bowl Team

12 Human Blood Bowl Players

Regular readers and followers of my update will know I’ve recently finished two Blood Bowl teams, and this update is a third. And it’s a return to another classic – this time with Humans.

These were also already assembled and I decided to do these in traditional colours – or at least predominately… so I opened up another my commonly used colours and went with – blue!

Blood Bowl Human Team

The box set comes with 6 Human Linemen, 2 Throwers, 2 Blitzers and 2 Catchers.

6 Human Linemen
2 Throwers… including Golden Boots!
2 Catchers
2 Blitzers
The Full Team

The Blood Bowl teams are (so far) all great fun to paint. These required a little more work, because I needed to do the underarmour/cloth first and decided to do this in red as a different contrast to the traditional bone/white options.

I then went over the armour panels in Caledor Blue which has great coverage over most colours – including the rough bits of red I’d left behind. In this team I also decided to add a few different colours and skin colours – so there are some different colour shoes (including Golden Boots), and some darker skin players to add much needed variety.

How do they play?

Humans are the other original team, with the Orcs painted recently and they are the definition of all-rounders. They have reasonable armour, can participate on the line of scrimmage and pass and catch (although be wary of high agility teams intercepting the ball).

The catchers are the most fragile of the players and so are likely to not be involved in all the drives, but if you can keep them alive there’s always the possibility of a quick score as well as the ability to break into any Orc ‘cages’ that your opponent may have set-up.

Woe Points and Hobby Bingo

I also get credit for this with Woe Points and Hobby Bingo… so that is -12 Woe Points already and a square ticked off.

Buying a Box

You can pick up a box at Element Games (UK), or at Not Just Gamin’ (US) and support Woehammer(*); or pop into your FLGS.

— Declan and Eeyore

(*) affiliate link

Hobby Update – Skaven Blood Bowl Team

14 Skaven Blood Bowl Players

Hot on the heels of the Orc Blood Bowl Team being completed, I decided I would try to get a few more teams finished… and next on the pile was always going to be the Skaven. I’ve loved the Skaven Blood Bowl team since the 2nd Edition (the original one, not the reboot!) as it is the polar opposite of the Orc team.

Low armour, good agility and 1 turn touchdown scoring Gutter Runners (with a few skills and movement increases. What’s not to like.

Blood Bowl Skaven Team

The box set comes with 6 Skaven Clanrat Linemen, 2 SkavenThrowers, 2 Stormvermin and 2 Gutter Runners. I added to this 2 Rat Ogres for a bit of beef in the team. Also who doesn’t like Big Guys?

6 Skaven Clanrat Linemen
2 Stormvermin
2 Skaven Throwers
2 Gutter Runners
2 Rat Ogres
The Full Team!

I painted these using elements of ‘Slap Chop’ for the skin and black cloaks and then ‘battle ready’ for the armour. I’ve not done purple/pink and yellow before and I think it works well for a small force – not sure how I’d feel about it on a full Skaven army in Age of Sigmar or The Old World though. May be a bit too comic for that.

The skin is Volupus Pink (contrast) and the armour is Averland Sunset with a wash of Iyanden Yellow. Yellow’s are much better than when I started gaming and this is a great combo. Makes me wish we had these colours when I painted Empire – always liked Stirland (Green and Yellow).

The Rat Ogres were a suggestion by one of my Hobby Buddies – Chris Denmark. They are the Rat Ogres from the old Warhammer starter set – Island of Blood – which featured Skaven against High Elves. I used them here without conversion – just a change of base shape. I have used a slightly larger base than used in most Blood Bowl models but as long as they don’t stand next to each other too often it should be fine to have a little overlap of the squares.

How do they play?

As mentioned above Skaven are fast… lightning fast. The Throwers combine very well with the Gutter Runners to produce some very quick touchdowns and I’ve been 3-0 up with Skaven before half-time in games under the previous edition.

With mutations they are also a team that opens itself up to converting if you want to, or buying small expansions from Forgeworld.

The Rat Ogres provide a little extra bulk, but they can be a liability as they can be easily surrounded and brought down as the Gutter Runners rush through the gaps – be careful of teams that like to foul like Goblins and Snotlings – they can take out the big guys surprisingly quickly.

Buying a Box

You can pick up a box at Element Games (UK), or at Not Just Gamin’ (US) and support Woehammer(*); or pop into your FLGS.

— Declan and Eeyore

(*) affiliate link
PS – These don’t count towards my ‘Woepoints‘ in 2023 because I actually finished them between Christmas aand New year 2022!

Hobby Update – Orc Blood Bowl Team

12 Orc Blood Bowl Players

I’ve been struggling a bit recently to complete my Age of Darkness boxset having done all the troops I now have the Dreadnought and Spartan on the painting table, but just can’t seem to make progress. This is probably because I’ve not painted tanks in a long time!

So, I took my own advice and decided for a change… but I wanted something with a definite end. Fortunately I’ve got a lot of the new Blood Bowl teams which have been unpainted on a shelf since the re-release.

The major advantage here was they were already assembled so I could get straight to it. And the first team was clear… Orcs!

Blood Bowl Orc Team

The box set comes with 6 Orc Linemen, 2 Orc Throwers, 2 Orc Blitzers and 2 Big Un Blockers.

6 Orc Linemen
2 Orc Throwers
2 Orc Blitzers
2 Big Un Blockers (painted with darker skin)

They didn’t take very long to paint but are none-the-less lovely models and take undercoat and paint nicely. The team also comes with some coins that you can paint, but I’ve not got to them!

The scheme is very much inspired by the original Gouged Eye team but also by my available paints for my AoS armies and Blood Angels… so red all the way! It doesn’t show perfectly in the pictures, but I’ve used Khorne Red and Mephiston Red to give a little variety.

How do they play?

Orcs are one of the original two teams and they can play in all types of drives in Blood Bowl but they are mostly about hitting and not getting injured, with AV (armour value) of 10+ for most of the models except Throwers.

And if things get desperate and you find yourself behind on the scoreboard then a throw to a Blitzer is always a possibility… but keep some team re-rolls available as nothing has catch.

Buying a Box

You can pick up a box at Element Games (UK), or at Not Just Gamin’ (US) and support Woehammer(*); or pop into your FLGS.

— Declan and Eeyore

(*) affiliate link
PS – These don’t count towards my ‘Woepoints‘ or Hobby Bingo in 2023 because I actually finished them between Christmas aand New year 2022!

News – Amazon Warhammer show? But what will it be?

Yup, you didn’t hear it here first. You probably heard it in the Hollywood Reporter, or was it the BBC? No? the Guardian?

Well, it’s bloody everywhere so I’m sure you have heard it by now. Amazon have agreed a deal with Games Workshop to make a Warhammer 40,000 TV series. Perhaps even a film….

And yes, Henry Cavill is involved. Henry Cavill stepped down from his role as Superman on Wednesday, reportedly heard saying as he left “Feck this, I can play Inquisitor Eisenhorn!”¹

What will we see?

According to Warhammer Community, the series will be set in the Warhammer 40k universe.

In terms of plots, anything by Dan Abnett is on the table. Abnett already having been involved with Marvel comics and Guardians of the Galaxy. But which of his works could they use? Or, would it be an entirely new character and storyline? Here’s some of his more popular work:

Eisenhorn

This is probably the lead in terms of fan choice. It makes sense in that it would give anyone experiencing the Warhammer 40k universe for the first time, a good overview of everything from civilian life to life in the combat zones, as well as the grim dark feel of 40k.

First and Only

Gaunt’s Ghosts. Or Sharpe in spaaace! If you want to be thrown in the deep end of combat and the grim dark 40k, this would be a great choice.

Horus Rising

While technically not 40k, what better story than the story that started it all? Son against father, brother against brother and the whole reason the 40k universe is what it is today?

What do you think? What story would you like to see made into a series?

¹This is entirely fictional and didn’t actually happen.

Hobby Update – Loonsmasha Fanatics

5 Loonsmasha Fanatics

Most of my recent games of Gloomspite Gitz have been with Squigs, but I like all the book and the Loonsmashas(*) have always been a unique unit in Age of Sigmar. When released they had ‘Strikes First’ when very few units had it, and for a short time they were one of the best units in the book… but, as more units received the ‘Strike First’ ability or mortal wounds on the charge, a small unit of 5 Grots with 1 wound each at 140 points quickly became a liability.

But… The models are so cool, so when Will said he had some spare I grabbed them up, throwing cash at him as I giggle off back to my cave!

Loonmsmashas painted by Declan

They have so much character and great balls of steel (or rock) wizzing around at break neck speed. You certainly need to be careful storing and moving them, and they’d be perfect candidates for magnetising.

And all with a brilliant 1″ reach…! Well, can’t get everything – right??

— Declan

(*) affiliate link

Hobby Update – Mugruk Da Watcha

Limited Edition Swampcalla Shaman

Back in June I went to Board Game Expo in Birmingham and picked up the limited edition Swampcalla Shaman from Games Workshop. Sometimes it can take a while for a model to reach the top of the painting pile, but eventually he’s made it! Mugruk Da Watcha is finished.

Swampcalla Shaman painted by Declan

And he even has a back!

He’s a nice little model and very in keeping with the Kruleboyz ascetic. I have painted him in my Destruction colour scheme and basing, which is simple but (I think) effective. Although the later models do have more tufts on them as I think they look better this way! However I do have one problem with the kit:

Games Workshop / Wahapedia

Where is the little chap’s backup Pot Grot? I understand that GW don’t want the limited edition model to have special rules and this is a good thing but it’s a shame he can’t be used with a model from the existing kit.

Otherwise I enjoyed painting him and glad he’s available to play with now.

— Declan

Warhammer 40k Battleforce Boxes 2022 – How much and whats in them?

Battleforce boxes are back after their success in 2020 & 2021. These are a fantastic way to get into a new army or even add to an existing one, but whats inside them and how many points of miniatures do you get?

Well Warhammer Community have announced that they are coming back for 2022!

(If you’re looking for the 2022 – Age of Sigmar – information its here)

Prices have been confirmed for the AoS boxes to be £130, so I wouldn’t expect 40k to be different – Peter. In the meantime I thought our readers would like to know the value of the toys… so see below against each box:

Battleforce BoxsetCostRRP
Adepta Sororitas – Sanctorum Guard£191.00£130
Adeptus Custodes – Watchers of the Gate£202.50£130
Adeptus Mechanicus – Elimination Maniple£184.50£130
Imperial Knights – Chainbreaker Lance£205.00£130
Death Guard – Council of the Death Lord£196.00£130
Thousand Sons – Court of the Crimson King£201.00£130
Imperial Fists – Bastion Strike Force£194.50£130
Raven Guard – Ravenstrike Battleforce£195.50£130

A very similar value in each box, although the Death Guard one is very tempting… don’t tell Sanguinius!

But I can tell you a way of saving even more money by purchasing these at 25% off the recommended retail price! Just visit SCN Hobby World and sign up to their mailing list for 25% off all GW products and 20% Warlord Games products.

Alternatively, if you regularly use Element Games, you can pick them up there… using our affiliate link (for which we receive a small contribution to the site)

So what do you get inside and how much would it cost you normally? All of the points have been given for the basic unit options and include no upgrades, but you can make changes with the way some models are built.

Adeptus Sororitas – Sanctorum Guard

Warhammer Community / Games Workshop
UnitPointsCost
Morvenn Vahl280£35.00
6 Paragon Warsuits420£85.00
5 Celestian Sacresants70£35.00
10 Battle Sisters110£36.00
Total880£191.00
RRP£130.00
Saving£61.00

Adeptus Custodes – Watchers of the Gate

Warhammer Community / Games Workshop
UnitPointsCost
Captain General Trajann Valoris200£26.00
3 Vertus Praetors on Jetbikes240£36.00
3 Allarus Custodians180£32.50
15 Custodian Guard675£108.00
Total1,295£202.50
RRP£130.00
Saving£72.50

Adeptus Mechanicus – Elimination Maniple

Warhammer Community / Games Workshop
UnitPointsCost
Belisarius Cawl180£35.00
2 Kastelan Robots190£47.50
Cybernetica Datasmith40inc above
6 Kataphron Destroyers240£72.00
10 Skitarii Vanguard90£30.00
Total740£184.50
RRP£130.00
Saving£54.50
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Imperial Knights – Chainbreaker Lance

Warhammer Community / Games Workshop
UnitPointsCost
Knight Preceptor420£100.00
2 Helverins320£52.50
2 Warglaives300£52.50
Total1,040£205.00
RRP£130.00
Saving£75.00

Death Guard – Council of the Death Lord

Warhammer Community / Games Workshop
UnitPointsCost
Mortarion, Primarch of Nurgle450£95.00
5 Blightlord Terminators200£36.00
14 Plague Marines324£65.00
Total974£196.00
RRP£130.00
Saving£66.00

Thousand Sons – Court of the Crimson King

Warhammer Community / Games Workshop
UnitPointsCost
Magnus the Red420£95.00
3 Exalted Sorcerers300£36.00
20 Rubric Marines420£70.00
Total1,140£201.00
RRP£130.00
Saving£71.00

Imperial Fists – Bastion Strike Force

Warhammer Community / Games Workshop
UnitPointsCost
Tor Garadon135£26.00
3 Primaris Agressors120£32.50
15 Heavy Intercessors420£120.00
Upgrade Pack£16.00
Total675£194.50
RRP£130.00
Saving£64.50

(*These points may seem low, but the Heavy Intercessors have to pay additional points for Heavy Weapons)

Raven Guard – Ravenstrike Battleforce

Warhammer Community / Games Workshop
UnitPointsCost
Kayvaan Shrike135£26.00
Librarian in Phobos Armour100£21.00
10 Primaris Reivers180£36.00
2 Invictor Tactical Warsuits320£80.00
3 EliminatorsBig Mek with Shokk Attack Gun75£32.50
Total810£195.50
RRP£130.00
Saving£65.50

So what do you think good value or not? Will you be picking up a set?

— Declan & Eeyore

How to Leak Games Workshop Rules

Leaking Games Workshop releases early is a time honoured tradition that goes back almost as long as Games Workshop itself. In the early days leaks would be hand carved into clay tablets which would then be sanded down with rough pumice stone to achieve that classic blurry look. These tablets would be passed around surreptitiously in back rooms by Games Workshop employees who desperately wanted you to think they were cool. A blind eye might be turned to these leaks as they helped to meet annual sales targets by convincing impressionable young players that they were absolutely going to need at least 6 Skaven Doomwheels if they want to win games after Christmas . Plus, if they can just be the first player to get them painted up they can establish themselves as a legendary competitive superstar! Just ask the resident old bloke in your gaming club, he’ll tell you. It’s all true.

These days the internet has made the proliferation of leaks much faster and easier. With players desperate to know what’s next for their army the leakers themselves have naturally become very popular and beloved members of the community (citation needed). No doubt you want to get in on this action, and establish yourself as a Warhammer influencer for about two weeks before Games Workshop’s lawyers bring their righteous fury down upon you. Don’t worry friend, we’re here to clue you in on how to make a traditional Warhammer Leak the right way!

Step One: Source your leak

Everyone and their dogs seem to have the inside scoop on some dramatic changes that are just around the corner these days. But unless you’re mates with a member of the rules team or employed somewhere along the distribution network getting your hands on these coveted titbits might seem impossible. Even those who consider themselves active members of the community must stop and wonder sometimes: “where is everyone getting these spicy hot leads?!” Don’t worry friend, it’s not that you are out of the loop. The secret to a truly great leak is being a total, remorseless liar!

How did this image get in here?

Many of these “leaks” are in fact “creative fabrications”. Often the leaks that inflame the community the most are the ones that don’t hold up to even the briefest moment of scrutiny. But that’s fine because the aim has never been to provide people with useful information. The aim is to accumulate clout through constant crashing waves of hype and outrage. Think of it like Fox News for toy soldiers.

So if you don’t have any genuine information to leak, just make something up and credit it to “a reliable source”. Who could dare doubt you with those credentials?!

Step 2: Write your Leak

In our example, I’ll be leaking an update for the fourth Lumineth Realm-Lords battletome. This is perfect, because the mere insinuation that an elf army may receive yet more support is enough to reduce most Warhammer nerds into a frothy puddle of liquid rage. There’s no need to exhaust ourselves by faking an entire book. Just a couple of “facts” taken completely at random will be enough. Behold.

The only question is how many people will bother to read the filename

This is typical of the type of leak you will see in group chats and facebook posts all around the world. It contains just enough information to tantalise, yet is extremely stingy on the specifics leading the reader to speculate wildly for post after glorious post. Make sure to include rules that are both absolutely ludicrous, and yet totally believable coming from a Games Workshop game. If you really want to seem legitimate, sprinkle a few spelling errors and grammatical mistakes in your text because as everyone knows, leakers can’t read.

Step 3: Tart it up

This step is optional, but highly recommended. If you have any graphic design skills let’s put them to work to add an air of authenticity to your work. If you’ve faked your leak entirely then you’re going to need an extreme close up of the rules so you don’t need to include any pictures of new models. However, faking rules for an existing model will look a lot more legitimate. Through fairly simple photo editing I have transposed a new rule onto the warscroll for Ellania and Ellathor. It’s like fan fiction!

Writing rules is so easy, even I could do it!

As well as adding my creative new rule, I’ve gone ahead and added 1 attack to each of their weapon profiles. Like Bob Ross and his trees, this is just a little treat to myself and any eagle eyed readers who are smart enough to notice the difference, but dumb enough to believe it’s true because they saw it on the internet.

Step 4: Blur the F out of it!

A blurry image isn’t just a leaking tradition – it serves a valuable purpose! By lowering the quality of the image we can reduce the tell-tale signs of our photoshop work and help sell the reader a narrative they’ll believe. This wasn’t a malicious attempt to deceive them in order to gain literally minutes of attention. This comes from a diehard fan who infiltrated Games Workshop headquarters to hastily snap a single photo in between dodging security guards and spike traps!

Your method of blurring is unique to you, like an artist’s signature that tells other leakers who’s responsible for this particular pile of steaming hogswollop. You may choose to reduce the image size and increase compression to create plenty of lovely jpeg artefacts obscuring your slightly off-colour font choice. Personally, I love a good picture of a picture. Channel your inner Facebook aunt who has never heard of the print screen button and simply hold your smartphone up to your monitor.

The perfect crime

Part 5: Revel in the Glory of your Instantly Forgettable Nothingburger

All that’s left to do is post your work to the poorly moderated group chat of your choice and watch the community work itself into a collective blather. Enjoy reading arguments over whether its “Games Workshops latest insult to Kruleboyz players” or “a long overdue update to a neglected battletome”. Once that rumour hits YouTube, you’ve made it! You have successfully incepted the internet, and you can rest safe in the knowledge that your contribution has made the community slightly more annoying to be a part of. Good job weirdo.

Coming soon to a 1h 45m long Youtube video on your feed!

(Please note, this post is intended as satire. Everyone please stop lying for clout. It’s so lame.)