Published by the Free City of Woehammer, for as long as it still stands.

Previous Issues

Issue 2

Issue 1

Introduction

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WAVES OF WAR WASH THE WILDS!

The Ravaged Coast shudders under the iron boots, clawed feet, and spectral tread of warbands vying for dominance in this latest week of our Path to Glory campaign. The battlefields stretch from the coast of Fort Aetherin to the peaks of the Gork’s Teef, and every inch is soaked in blood, ash, and ill intent.

This week, the realms saw eight brutal conflicts, shifting allegiances, and yet more suspiciously well-fed rats. Death surged with spectral vengeance, Order splintered, Destruction stumbled, and Chaos… well, they fought ghosts and spiders in a haunted house. Here’s what happened:


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SKAVEN STRIKE BACK: THE BBQ IS NOT CANCELLED! Skaven (Chaos) 42 v 22 Gloomspite Gitz (Destruction)

The Skaven repelled the Gitz from threatening The Maw and secured Chaos‘ control over their delightfully titled stronghold, The BBQ You Ain’t Invited To. Fighting spirits last week and spiders this week (Spirits & Spiders, good pub name, we note), the rats pulled off another grisly win. Feeling like they’re fighting in a haunted house, the rats expect to fight evil clowns next week. The Horned Rat approves, though, as almost no one survived. So everyone’s happy.

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MERCENARY STORMCAST BLOW UP CITIES DREAMS Stormcast Eternals (Mercenaries) 32 v 20 Cities of Sigmar (Order)

Growlholt’s dreams of a peaceful settlement were fried by lightning and stabbed by a giant sword, as confused alliances and even more confused battle tactics ended in a tactical retreat.

The mercenary Stormcast, bolstered by their bleak and brooding outlook (and actual storm magic), dropped in like divine anvils. Davelga fell. Growlholt was punctured. The expedition nearly shattered, yet they survived. Just.

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SIGMARITES HOLD THE LINE IN VESTERBURROW Stormcast Eternals (Order) 32 v 20 Disciples of Tzeentch (Mercenaries)

The Hammers of Stigar clashed with the change-happy Tzaangors over vital Emberstone resources. What began as a confident defense of Vesterburrow by the Mercenaries ended in a firestorm, as the battlefield ignited.

The Stormcast secured a narrow victory, but at heavy cost. The field now smoulders, and both sides lick wounds.

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GRAVELORDS GRIND DARKNESS INTO DUST Soulblight Gravelords (Death) 40 v 10 Slaves to Darkness (Chaos)

Lu Bu once again finds himself humiliated by creatures barely larger than his boots. More rats. More flames. More boats on fire. No honour.

The Gravelords wrest control of the Bay of Bones from Chaos, adding the region to their rotting empire.

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SKAVEN CHEW THROUGH SCALES Skaven (Mercenaries) 46 v 12 Seraphon (Order)

In Fort Aetherin, the Seraphon fell to a tide of cunning rodents. Clanrats died by the dozen, but their deaths inspired the Terror Claws to flank and the Ground & Pound to deliver a killer blow to the Slaan general.

A lizard without its brain goes down fast. The warp-lightning-fueled vermin rejoice as Order’s grip on the region weakens.

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THE HAUNTED TIDE CRUSHES IRONJAWZ Nighthaunt (Death) 46 v 12 Ironjawz (Destruction)

Ghosts rose from the waves. The Ironjawz charged in anyway. Rog called them “just fish.” Rog was wrong.

The Nighthaunt overwhelmed the brutes in the Swamp of Bones. Rog retreated, his pride bruised, his boyz wetter than they’d like. Charon, commander of the dead, sank once more into the water, victorious.

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MEGA-GARGANT MAYHEM: ZOKUL SMASHES BONES (BARELY) Sons of Behemat (Destruction) 28 v 26 Ossiarch Bonereapers (Death)

Zokul, war stomper supreme, led a devastating charge into the swamp only to lose his two companions to bone artillery before they got halfway there. Alone, enraged, and unstoppable, Zokul pulped his way through to a narrow win.

Victory? Technically. Satisfying? Not quite. His lads will not be falling again. He made sure of that.

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DEATH CLAIMS THE FOREST OF BONES Soulblight Gravelords (Death) 56 v 26 Stormcast Eternals (Order)

With a powerful surge, the Gravelords pushed out of the Swamp of Bones and seized the land leading to Fort Aetherin. They renamed it The Forest of Bones, presumably because “Cursed Dead Tree Place” didn’t have the same ring to it.

Order faltered. Death rises.

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BILLIOUS & TEDDURAK TAKE AN EXCELLENT ADVENTURE TO THE MAW Sons of Behamat (Destruction) 36 v 36 Beasts of Chaos (Chaos)

Unfortunately for Billious and Teddurak, their journey into The Maw did not bring the expected bone-crunchin’, zombie-puntin’, ghost-munchin’ carnage (though Billious swears ghosts have a crunchy exterior, he may not know what “crunchy” means).

Instead, the duo encountered a disorganized stampede of goats, horses, and goat-horses. The plains became a chaotic rodeo, with the gargants distracted and delighted by the chase. Laughing, roaring, and spooking the horde of chaos beasts, they accomplished absolutely nothing of strategic value. But they had a fantastic time doing it.

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STATE OF THE REALMS – MAP RECAP

Death surges, taking the Bay of Bones and Forest of Bones, and increasing its hold on the Swamp of Bones. Many say their naming conventions are dull, but we understand it to be a stroke of tactical genius. After all, if the enemy is confused about where they are… “We go across the Bay of Bones, landing at the forest of Bones before heading into the Swamp of Bones… wait… was it left or right at the tree of Bones?”

Rumours are circling that the Maw may be renamed as the Maw of Bones….

Destruction wobbles, failing to gain new territory and losing influence.

Chaos holds its BBQ, stopping Destruction’s push.

Order fights itself, with Mercenaries both helping and hurting their cause.

Mercenaries remain confusing but effective, holding Vesterburrow despite setbacks.

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EDITOR’S NOTE

It has come to our attention that some readers found last week’s Gazette “alarmist,” “unprofessional,” or “a thinly veiled chaos propaganda sheet.” To this, we say: thank you for reading!

We remain committed to providing sensationalised, slightly biased, Emberstone-fueled coverage of this ever-burning realm war. Also, if anyone sees our intern (last seen muttering about ghosts and clowns), please return them to Woehammer.

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